Just Get in the Game, Baby!

Tuesday afternoon. Bright sunshine and lots of fresh, angelic 4- and 5-year-old faces. Shin guards and shiny new soccer balls. Bedford's Preschool Soccer. Matt was so excited to go, because he's all for running around and kickin' a ball, and it thrills him that his neighborhood buddies attend as well. The moms just sit on the sidelines watching the little ones scramble around the field, some fully into it, and some (like mine on this particular day), eyeing the nearby playground and wondering when they can make a break for it. My young "Ferdinand," stopping to smell the roses...or the ragweed.

Another one of my childhood favorites!



20 minutes into the lesson, Matt was done, and he sat down on the field, looking around and holding his own against any one of the young coaches who approached him, trying to encourage his participation. Just like the gentle bull in one of my childhood favs, he was far more interested in the feel of the grass, the blue sky, and yes, the pretty blond female coach who'd occasionally indulge him by walking around the field hand-in-hand (he's such a "player").

I give the kid credit: when he's made up his mind, he really can't be swayed. And as much as I hate to admit it, I was bothered by it. Not that he wasn't the star of the lesson, but that he was choosing not to be involved. Yes, I get that this is what preschoolers do (though I do have to remind myself of that). And no, it's not about my caring whether he truly learns the skills involved in running a ball down the length of a field and scoring a goal. I could care less (or couldn't care less ... you know what I mean) if my child is athletically inclined. I just want him to never hold back. To never fear participating because he's not the best. I just want him to get in the game.

I'm Not A Perfect Mommy, but I'm Better Than Betty Draper

I've had mommy guilt since the day Matt was born. It started with the fact that he spent his first 10 days of life in the NICU, often without me (doctor's orders), as I recovered from bed rest. How weird is it that total strangers are caring for your little one in some far-off hospital while you're at home, lying down, watching NYPD Blue? Part of me was relieved that I had some sort of grace period--now that my guy was here and healthy--in which to gain back my strength (four months of living horizontally makes a body pretty wobbly) and maybe squirrel away some sleep before I was the main provider of everything this child might need, including midnight feedings.

When he got home, the guilt seemed to weave its way through many areas of my parenting. After much angst, and despite the LaLeche proponents of the world screaming "breast milk is best," I waved the white flag and gave up on breastfeeding three weeks into it. My little preemie just didn't seem to have the hang of it and I was obsessed over how much nourishment he was actually getting. The weight of the world (at least most of it) dropped off my shoulders when the wonderful, straight-to-the-point, no-nonsense Nurse Maureen at Matt's pediatrician's office looked at me during a well-visit and said (in her now-familiar sarcastic tone), "Contrary to popular belief, your child will survive and thrive if you formula-feed him." I so appreciated that candor, and went straight to the store on our way home to pick up some Good Start.

Of course, as soon as I closed the book on that issue, another one surfaced. The next guilt party arose when I met with a new moms group for the first time. Matt was probably about seven months old and was a wonderful baby. He was rarely sick, no colic (no major issues, in fact, beyond spitting up), but boy, the kid just would not sleep through the night. Sadly for him, he was born to a mother who needs about eight hours to feel her Doris Day-best. I was exhausted and a bit cranky. I'll never forget when one of those perky "my-baby-started-sleeping-through-the-night-at-two-months" moms approached me at this meet-and-greet, and put the question before me: "Isn't this just the most fabulous and beautiful thing you've ever done?!" I looked at her like she was from another planet. At that point I thought she was either high on Red Bull or just someone I could never relate to. And it got worse. If she had just once during our conversation said something with a note of the exasperation I was feeling, like "Ugh, my boobs hurt" or "I just need a minute to myself!" or even "I don't know what the hell I'm doing!!!" I would've forgiven her her overwhelming enthusiasm, but as it was, I never returned to that group of Stepford Mommies. And of course, the fact that I wanted to slap her silly made me feel guilty. Why didn't I feel that way?

That was over three years ago, and my miscalculations haven't stopped. I've been fumbling around this thing called motherhood since Day 1 on the job, trying to figure out which philosophies I agree with and which I don't. According to the books, I make plenty of parenting mistakes. Matt goes to bed too late. 8 pm is as early as we can get him there, because dad needs a little father-son time after he gets home. I let him watch too much TV. He makes his pointer-finger-and-thumb into a play gun and I don't freak out. He's heard Lady Gaga, though I have (I think) explained my way out of some questionable lyrics. And I yell. I'm pretty sure I'm the reincarnation of a 1950's mom, whose parenting style is more let-the-kids-play-while-I-cook-and-clean-and-talk-to-my-girlfriends than let's-make-robots-out-of-toilet-paper-rolls-together. If I liked martinis, I just might have one every now and then (as long as I wasn't driving to a play date, of course), and yes, I enjoy wearing kitschy aprons while cooking. If my own mom had written a book on child-rearing, she'd probably say I'm right on target. My mom didn't though, and all the info coming at me from today's parenting magazines and the Mommy Gurus is that all of the above is inappropriate. In the past, that made me feel rather uneasy.

I'm tired of feeling guilty, though, and I'm turning over a new leaf. As someone once told me, guilt is a wasted emotion, so as I embark on my 40th year on the planet, and my fourth year as President and CEO of Matt, Inc., I'm embracing a new philosophy. Whether I sit on the floor and play with him for hours on end, or enjoy a mere 30 minutes of mom-and-Matt time before I delve back into other things--things I perhaps enjoy more than lining up Thomas trains for a journey through Sodor--I will not regret how I raise my son. I will love him with my entire being (easy!), I will continue to smother him in hugs and kisses on a daily basis, I will do his "Frankenstein" dance whenever he asks me too, and I will nurture him in my own way. And I will without a doubt go a little easier on myself and embrace the fact that I am a good mom. After all, I love my son, and at the very least, I'm a heck of a lot better than Betty Draper.

The Start of A Good Thing

Here it is. My first post. I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while now, partially because my son, Matthew, comes up with such good material (which I always seem to share anyway), and partly because I thought it might serve as great therapy for me, a mom who has all her eggs—literally—in one sweet, big-green-eyed, cooky, blessed little basket.

One and done. I never thought that would be me. When I was younger, I pictured myself with at least three little nuggets running around my feet. Happily, of course. They were well-behaved, developmentally right-on-target, spick-and-span clean, and ate every healthy thing I put before them. Life, however, had another storyline in place. Pregnancy didn’t come easy. When my husband and I found out after six years of trying that “the test” was positive, we were thrilled. Over-the-moon, really. When we discovered that it was with twins, life took on a whole new dimension. We named the girls as soon as we felt them kick—Madelaine Rose and Charlotte Evelyn—and we fell in love. Sadly, Maddie and Charlie couldn’t hold out for an entire nine months, and were born on March 23, 2004—four months too soon. They did not survive. I won’t go into how devastating a blow that was on so many levels.

Matthew came into my life a little more than two years later, and is both my joy and the cause of every grey hair making its way toward the surface. He is the answer to a prayer. He is a funny, smart, crazy handful, and I adore him. In my heart, he’s one of three, but to the world, he’s my one and only. Whether I’m at the playground, the library, the supermarket (it doesn’t matter), if someone catches wind of a Matt comment, if they’re privy to one of his long-winded-yet-charming anecdotes, or they’re just making conversation, the question always comes up: “Any other children?” I’m starting this blog because of the conflicted feeling that arises every time I’m forced to answer that question. It’s not all I’m going to talk about, of course. Motherhood is so multi-faceted, it can't be reduced to the ONE core thing that drives you mad. But I thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a place to air all this out without the cost of psychotherapy?” Wouldn't it be nice for all moms to have "that place"?

So now you know how it all begins. I’m hoping “That’s My Boy” will grow into a community of moms who are sometimes starry-eyed over their offspring and sometimes want to pull their hair out at the end of a trying day, or gals who like funny kid stories, or women who have—whether by choice or by fate—come to realize that the little tyke now in their midst IS their one-and-only, and not feel like they have to apologize for that. Basically I want you all to join me on this crazy, heart-wrenching, wonderful ride called mommy-hood through my stories, my thoughts, and my musings on Matt. Yup. That’s my boy.