It's A Marshmallow World

Aaaaah, December. How I love thee. And not because I skate like Dorothy Hamill (does that reference date me?) or navigate a slope like...ah, who's that kid?...oh yeah, Shaun White. If I put on a pair of blades I'd be down in a nanosecond. And snowboarding? I figure if the Good Lord wanted me to race down a mountain at any sort of speed, he'd have made my feet wider and flatter. No, I love you because I'm lazy.

I'm ready to hibernate, and I'm waiting for the first snowy day to turn my world into that "marshmallow" snow globe that Sir Deano sings about on my favorite holiday album. Yes, I want to wake up to see soft flakes falling on a Saturday morning. I don't have to haul my, ah, backside anywhere early on a Saturday, so I can flop around in my slippers just that much longer.



I want to bring out any candle that goes by the name of "Holiday Cookie," "Evergreen," or "Apple Wreath," touch it lightly with a small flame, and let its scent fill up the hallways of my home.

If I venture outside, it will be in my big fuzzy boots and my warm winter jacket. My car will point in the direction of the nearest Dunkaccino, which I will pick up, pop in my cup-holder, and drive directly home lest it get cold. "Holly Jolly Christmas" and "Do You Hear What I Hear?" will play in the background throughout the afternoon while I wrap all my presents with real ribbon.

I will string sparkly silver ornaments along my mantle and roll pine cones (thank you, Kristin) in white glitter to bring all the wonder inside. Some warm, hearty stew will be simmering in the crockpot because on this perfect day, I have thought of everything.

That first snowy night, I will curl up on the sofa with a hot cup of coffee (oh, don't doubt it: I've built up such a caffeine tolerance that I can pretty much have a cup just before 8 and still be out by 9:30) and "The Shop Around the Corner," my favorite classic Christmas flick, on the tele.

Where's The Boy through all of this, you ask? Well, of course, he's out with The Husband picking out the absolute perfect, most meaningful Christmas gift for Mom. Well, let's just leave it at "they're out."

So c'mon, snow. Let's go. I'm ready for you.

That's My Joy

Have you ever noticed that life throws you curve balls whenever you announce (either to yourself or out loud) that you think you've got it all figured out? For me, it happens every time. The end of September brought some unanticipated excitement to the Colasante household, followed by a touch of unforeseen disappointment. And though in a few years, when I look back on this time, it will amount to the smallest little blip on the radar of my life, it shook my world just a bit.

I'm in a good place. Have everything I want: a wonderful husband, a precious child, a beautiful home. My health. You know, all the right stuff. And I thought that once and for all, those questions that seemed to eat at me over the years (everyone has theirs: the "what if's?", the "why not's?", the little regrets that take some time to reconcile) had been answered and laid to rest. And that's where I was wrong. A brief turn of events and I was right back at the same point and on the same shaky ground I've found myself time and time again. And when I'm on shaky ground, I stumble. Big time.

It made me wonder what it was that I wasn't learning? Why was it that THIS lesson was revisiting me over and over? Why did my life seem marked by such things (note the twinge of self-pity there...my life isn't marked by such things but when I'm down I can be very dramatic)? And then, for the first time in years, clarity came. I realized that there was no lesson to be learned from the event itself. What happened is just a part of life. The lesson is in how I react to it. When something sad or tragic happens, it has the power to consume. Heck, when any disappointment shows up on your doorstep, even if it's a molehill it can seem like a mountain if you let it. When it's truly the mountain, it can be devastating. My epiphany was that it doesn't need to take over my life and it doesn't need to define me.

What should define and consume me are the joys that happen every day; you know, the ones we usually pay little or no attention to. It's the smell of my morning coffee. It's the joke my 4-year-old tells that makes me smile (even though it's more crazy than funny). It's David Bowie's "Blue Jeans" coming on the radio and catching it from the very beginning. It's the modern-day McGarrett on this season's "Hawaii Five-O." It's a weed prevention system actually working. It's bright orange and red leaves set against a seriously blue sky. It's my husband sitting with me night after night enduring what he considers my less-than-admirable taste in prime time programming just to be with me. It's my friends making sure my son is where he needs to be (because at the time, I couldn't) and fixing me dinner to remind me that even in my darker hours, I'm not alone. It's being surrounded by good people. It's having faith that no matter where I am in life, I am where I need to be, no matter how bumpy the road behind me has been.

So I'm going to stop swimming against the tide. I'm going to stop trying to dissect the low points, the heartaches, or the tragedies of my past to uncover some sort of mystical truth of life. From here on in, I'm going to focus more on the beauty I see on a regular basis. The stuff that fills my heart, even if it's just the smell of my clean laundry or the sight of my favorite mag in today's mail. That's my joy, and I'm going to stop taking it for granted. 

What to Do, What to Do...

It's 6:47 in the morning, and I'm actually giddy. Woke up 45 minutes ago with the excitement of a 4-year-old on Christmas Day. The air outside is crisp, and a wee bit of sun is just about to peak over my neighbor's stone wall with the promise of something truly special happening within the next few hours. I have been waiting for this day since oh, just about the end of May. Uh-huh: you guessed it. It's Matt's first day back at school!

Know what this means?! Loosely translated, it means that starting today, I will have three straight hours to myself every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Three hours during which Miss Michelle and Miss Caren, Matt's preschool teachers, will work their magic on my child, saying cute things like "1-2-3, Eyes on Me" and "indoor voice." And unlike when I try my hand at this at home, Matt will turn to them with doe eyes and an ever-so-slight angelic smile and obey. Without complaint. Or whining. Those are powerful women.

Of course, this also means that I'll be at home, and I'll be wondering what the heck I'm to do with myself. For someone who CONSTANTLY has a running list in her head of tasks that must be completed, you'd think I'd have no problem strategizing and making some serious, productive use of my time. For Pete's sake, when Matt's in my care I develop a nervous eye-twitch thinking of all the things I should be doing when we're making chalk portraits on the patio, but somehow, that long, long list disappears when I return home after drop off, open the door, and put the keys on the table. The possibilities become endless. I could run through three loads of laundry (well, maybe two) from wash and dry to fold. I could dust every corner of this house so my husband will stop writing his name in the film on the TV. I could pre-order my Christmas cards. Yes, I could, but I do not.

What I do do is sit with coffee in hand and contemplate the universe, or at least my little portion of it. I dream of tearing through Matt's bedroom and his playroom, weeding out all those little nothing toys that seem to pop out of nowhere and multiply (yes, I take full responsibility for the McDonald's ones). I fantasize about emptying closets that have become the resting places for all the dearly departed junk we've collected over the past few seasons. I envision myself picking out the perfect wall color and possibly painting the kitchen and maybe even the family room, or at the very least taking a Magic Eraser to the walls and ridding myself of some scuff marks. And I delude myself into thinking that this is the year I'll turn my home into an age-appropriate, Martha Stewart-like haunted house (Matt would love that) in preparation for a spooktacular October, complete with cling-on window showcases of bats, leafless trees, and crows (that's my plan every fall...it never happens).

My daydreaming takes me from one thought to another and back again. I punctuate it here and there with making a bed, or folding a few little pairs of pants from the one load I did throw in, and checking the pantry for what I might need for dinner. Before I know it, a few hours have passed. I've now reached the bottom of my cup of joe, and while taking that last sip of a drink that's now cold, I wonder how my little guy's doing. I picture seeing that cute face as I round the corner to his classroom in just an hour or so, and the countdown to his return begins. I'm saving productivity for another morning. This one was just about dreaming.