Letter to A New Mom

Today, a dear friend will be heading into a hospital to deliver her first child. Amazing. I can only imagine (because 6.9.2006 seems like a lifetime ago) what's she's thinking right now, as she embarks on this new adventure. I've known her since wall bangs were in fashion, and since then, she's made quite a life for herself: fantastic career, wonderful husband with whom she's travelled the world, family and friends who adore her. None of that will change after today, of course, but yet in some way, she'll be a completely different person. It's mystical, really...what effect a child can have on you.

As beautiful as new parenthood is, it can blindside you in ways you never anticipated: ways they don't show you in the perfect Pottery-Barn-Kids-Catalog-Layout world and ways that will make your heart melt. No one warned me about that during my pregnancy...all the "newness" I'd encounter. It's inspired me to write what I'm calling my "Letter to a New Mom," which holds observations and advice (in no particular order) I'd share with anyone stepping into this crazy, beloved and sometimes overwhelming world of being someone's mom. I'll limit it to 10 since no mom has enough time to herself to read (in peace) much more than that.

1. Sleep, as you know it, is over. Sorry to jump right in with that slap in the face, but there it is. Oh, sure, you might have that baby who figures out how to sleep through the night by the time they're four months old, in which case, good for you. But before you get smug, realize that every few months, kids go through phases, and this paradise will most likely end. Be prepared, and invest in some Eye Bright.

2. You may have moments when you think "What the #$% have I done to my life?! I had it made before! Slept in when I felt like it. Had the freedom to come and go as I pleased without packing what amounts to another human being's survival kit every time I left the door. Were we completely insane when we thought 'Let's add a helpless baby to this mix'?" This is completely normal. Anyone who suggests you're odd for having such a thought is either not being honest with herself or was born on another planet.

3. Buy stock in Duracell. Or Energizer. You will need to have on hand, at any given moment, every size and strength of battery available to the general public, because in a pinch, if you don't have every type on hand, the one you don't have is the exact one you'll need. And it could be the difference between the baby napping and subsequent serenity, or you hitting the bottle (the grown-up kind).

4. You'll never again be so invested in the fate of a stuffed animal or tiny square blanket. In fact, I still have a cold flash of fear every time I think of what might happen if Bobo disappeared. Can't recall who gave The Boy that little blue ragamuffin of a dog, but it's become Matt's right-hand-man, the Robin to his Batman, and .... oh, I can't even think about it. A word to the wise: when you figure out what your babe's lovey is, head right out and buy a few backups you can stash away in case fate plays a cruel joke on you.

5. This little person whom you've brought into the world will evoke such love and devotion from you that YOU WILL DO STUPID THINGS on their behalf. Like think, because yours is an only child AND he's getting his tonsils and adenoids out that you must, of course, get him a dog even though you're a neurotic housekeeper who's resistant to change. Oh, wait, maybe that's just me...

6. You'll develop an alarming interest in poop, and there's a very good chance that you and your significant other may talk about it over dinner. Sure, laugh now, but it'll happen.

7. Cheap thrill: You're now someone's boss. Yes, we can have a philosophical debate about this, but I won't apologize: it gives me great pleasure at times to whip out "Because I said so!" when I'm at a loss for a more reasonable answer.

8. You will fall on one side of the Some TV v. No TV/Breastfeed v. No Booby/SAHM v. WATO (work at the office) debate, and the other side will most likely irritate you. Try not to be obnoxious about your own views and resist the urge to kill when "SuperMommy in Her Own Mind" tries to entangle you in a debate. Live and let live, right? After all, we're all just gals trying to do the best we can. Kumbaya, baby.

9. There will never be a face more intriguing than your child's. You will take endless photographs of it: sleeping, smiling, looking off in the distance wistfully. Please resist the urge to send the entire contents of your albums to everyone in your address book. A small percentage of the latest photo shoot to a few well-chosen relatives or friends will suffice.

And for now, last but not least...

10. Knowing what you know now, you will feel royally ripped off when you reflect on how much you made during the height of your babysitting days. When I see my sitter pull into the drive, I'm delighted to fork over three times as much as I made in my youth to have her walk in my shoes for a few hours. When I think back on those '80's moms who played it so cool as they breezed by me on their way out the door and how they deceived me, I get over the lingering guilt of nosing through their stuff and eating their last Hoodsie.

Have some "truths" that you'd share with a new mom? I'd love to hear 'em.